By Dawn M. Sanders
For the last several weeks I’ve been on a downward spiral – mainly getting overwhelmed with everything that’s going on: a corrupt government that slashes and burns everything it touches; a predatorial weasel of a virus being made into the wolf of the world used as the catalyst to scare people into submission at the hands of agents of control; the cliff edge of a no deal Brexit coming into view, because the government’s agenda is more important than the integrity and stability of the UK.
It’s also open season on “the truth” or for those of us who dare to question the mainstream narrative or what we are handed in an increasing atmosphere of tyranny and control. That’s just the political stuff, but I also have my own micro-bubble crisis ongoing in the form of a long and drawn out court case saga.
So last week I hit rock bottom, got next to nothing done, as my writing and journalistic work has ground to a halt. I haven’t pitched my big article I’m trying to get commissioned for publication to anymore magazines; I haven’t edited or changed an existing article a new regional online publication wants to publish, because they like it, I won’t get paid, but much-needed exposure. I have started a ‘big blog’ or, who knows it might just end up a full blown article, with any degree of miracle perseverance, it will be nearly finished by the time you read this one. Oh, and I have yet another blog lurking, not quite on the back burner, but somewhere on the periphery of all the swirling round-and-circles stuff I’ve got within my immediate circle of things to just get on with.
Sounds mental? Well it is, it’s disorganised chaos and a recipe for getting nothing at all done if I try to do it all, but I won’t. Thing is, I was doing pretty well as far as focussing, having improved over the last few months, but despite last week’s sunny days and warm temperatures, the black clouds came into my open windows, blew in through the open front door – closing in on me like dementors right out of the Harry Potter books, apologies if you didn’t read the books or see the films, but you get the picture…
My right eye is constantly painful, because it has I think come to the end of it’s long and tired road, as my glaucoma has advanced, leaving me a sliver of light perception left and only the vivid visualisation of colours. Nope, I’m not crying ‘poor pitiful hard done by me’ in fact, I’m not even cryin’, but maybe I should be. I’m not one to where my feelings on my sleeve in a public domain, but this is probably the best way for me to tell myself I just need to stop, take some kind of a breather, get back on my spiritual path and get a grip. All I wanted more than anything, was to go on a short holiday with my son who lives up in Sheffield, but with the noose of restrictions around him which, tends to extend to me and us as a family with his support “regime” as he has full time supported living – it has been literally impossible. Oh, and lets not forget covid and the new catalyst for all kinds of control under the guise of a ‘new normal’, but it’s not one I or others fully subscribe to. What am I getting at? Well, the ‘done thing’ is to suffer in silence, don’t talk about your inner feelings or at least let people know life is hurting and overwhelming.
Last Sunday it was World Peace Day and I engaged in an online meditation, led by a woman who is so down-to-earth about it, that people felt able to share things within a weird virtual kind of space. I knew the meditation is what I needed and I felt so tired yet relaxed after word. In the talking that led up to the meditating, she spoke of all the good that was going on in the world, all the light simultaneously growing alongside the gathering dark, all the bile coming out of governments and the mess that has been created.
Okay, so I’m a politics junky, a news hound who, probably needs to step back for, at least a week, do what I love doing best: take walks in the woods, on the beach and convene with some tall trees. Point is, in the climate we have to function within right now, I think it’s only healthy for us to be able to admit it when things are taking their tole and no, everything’s ‘not okay’ – a little honesty with ourselves and others can go a long way. For me, writing is the first release and comes the most natural – it’s just in my DNA. I’m more of a realist than optimist or pessimist, so my realism radar is telling me to just back off, take a break, stop trying too hard to please myself with productive days that just aren’t materialising. Freelance life is hard work and, I don’t mind at all working hard, but when it starts destroying my resolve, rendering me emotionally overwhelmed – it’s time for time out.
As I’m not British so don’t tend to cage my feelings or tout the stiff upper lip (not that I think all Brits do that) I’m someone who, despite not being an emotional person, lives on my feelings. That probably makes no sense at all and sounds like contradicting myself, but I hope you get the gist.
Oh, thanks for reading this conversation I’m having with myself – you’ve been a cracking audience…
😊